a couplet of things

At some point, I ended up on the GOP Action Team mailing list. The first time I received their “Dear Fellow Patriot” memo, I was surprised and delighted. How did I, an extremely active liberal, get vetted onto the GOP Action Team? Instead of unsubscribing, I continued to receive the sporadic GOP blasts. Here is a sampling of what conservatives say when they think no one is listening.

OBAMA WANTS YOUR MONEY: Dear Fellow Patriot,
You know that elections matter and that President Obama’s policies are going to burden us until we do away with them, but your friends and family might not. That’s why we’re asking you to forward the ObamaBill to your friends, family, and fellow tax filers, so that they can fully understand just what they’re dealing with, and begin the process of setting it right.

OBAMA VS. THE CONSTITUTION: Dear Fellow Patriot,
President Obama’s judicial nominees have made it clear: the Founding Fathers got it wrong. If confirmed, Leftists like Goodwin Liu, Louis Butler, and David Hamilton will go through the Constitution with a red pen, radically expanding the power of government and dealing a devastating blow to personal freedom. Don’t give them that chance. Stop these radicals now, before it’s too late.

BE A GOP.COM TESTER!: Dear Fellow Patriot,
Do you want to help shape the GOP web experience? The Republican National Committee is looking for individuals to help us put GOP.com to the test, so that we can craft our website to create the best online experience possible. Selected testers will be invited to a hands-on session with our new web platform. This is your chance to have a direct impact on the Republican National Committee.

1. The Log Lady confessed to killing Laura Palmer.

2. Tony Soprano got whacked at the diner by a guy in a Members Only jacket.

3. Brother Justin returned from the dead only to find Ben had killed the Omega.

4. John moved back to Cincinatti.

5. Alf tracked down the Tanners, even though they were in the witness protection program, and rejoined them as a member of the family.

6. Cybill and Mary Ann were acquitted for the murder of Dr. Dick.

7. Benson learned that he lost the governor’s race.

8. Everyone found out they were dead the whole time, and the island was just limbo.

I had an entire list of LOST jokes prepared to ridicule Losties after the season finale. Now that I know the end was more lame than Dallas, I don’t even feel like making fun of them. It doesn’t feel right to kick a Lostie when they’re down. You know what makes me the saddest? All that time everyone wasted trying to find clues when the creators didn’t have a fuckin’ clue about how to end the series. If only the Losties had spent the past six years reading the books LIndelof and Lieber ripped off.

In short, I’m sorry you got caught in a six-year circle jerk that ended with all the chracters being dead, Losties. Better you than me. Next time you feel like gathering clues and plotting theories, read a sci-fi book.

fakescience: